At the moment I’m on set at a filming for music video, and I’ve some time on my hands. So, I thought I’d journal my thoughts about connecting with emotions and share them with you.
Today, I need to play the role of alcoholic father who, in the end, tries to make amends. Some of the interactions between the characters will draw on deep emotions. I’m not a heavy drinker at all, and when I drink I don’t get angry. But there are times when my behaviour has been less than perfect, and I have shown anger to those who have been close to me. At the time, those feelings of were actually scary to experience, as I felt so out of control. The silver lining of having had these experiences and learned from them, is that I have emotional material which I can draw on to bring my character to life.
Part of my journey over the past few years has been with an amazing psychotherapist. A lot of work has been done with how I experience emotions. At the beginning of my therapy journey, I was intensely experiencing a lot of emotions, and it felt like my world was spinning completely out of control. My emotional world ruled my days completely. Connection with emotions meant that they were connecting with me.
If had opened myself up to working in front of the camera a few years ago, I can’t see that it would have worked at all. An actor needs to be able to portray a believable and three-dimensional character. And they need to be able to do in front of strangers. How could I even think about opening myself in such a way, if I am unable to connect to my emotional world?
So.. how I connect to the emotions of these experiences, and bring them on cue in front of the camera, and the folks present?
I remember how hard it was to even smile for photographs with friends or family. How could bring joy to a character if I couldn’t show it as myself. If I had gone near an emotional such anger, either I would have “acted” angry by pulling a face and waving my hands around, or I would have lost control completely.
Connecting with emotions hasn’t always felt safe, but a fruit of my therapy journey is that I am now able to better connect to their full range. When I have had to dig into a powerful emotion, the photographer or director has taken me to the point of exhaustion in giving every drop of that emotion. Not only was it safe, but I was in control, and I could open the tap as a wide as needed. More importantly, I was able to close that tap when the scene was finished.
As I said in an earlier post, I have found a safe place in front of the camera where I can bring a character to life, with my own emotional material. And it feels wonderful.
ok .. be right back .. it’s time for my scenes …
Just as when you place the needle onto a record, and music plays; I guided the needle of my imagination into my memory, and let the emotional music play.
Wow ..
That was intense. And yes, this was kinda my first rodeo. It was the first time I have expressed such strong emotions on camera opposite another actor.
The scenes required me to connect with my shadow self. That darker part of me which I don’t like to access that often. But the story has dark content, and I am an actor. It’s my job to bring the character to life, without judging it. I had to express rage, violence, remorse, shame. And happily, hope too.
My own prepartion was to remember a moment when I have felt something similar to what the character is feeling. I remember what was going on for me at that time. I remember how my body felt. How my breathing was, my posture. Were my hands clenched or open? Were my shoulders bunched up or sagging? And then, just as when you place the needle onto a record, and music plays, I guided the needle of my imagination into my memory, and let the emotional music play.
The first scene was loud and violent. I was able to prepare for this by talking with the actress I was working with. We discussed how our characters might react in the scene, and how that might look in reality. We discussed a phyiscal choreography, postures, physical contact points, everything. I am a lot taller than my coactor, so I wanted make sure she would feel safe I was suddenly towering over her was a snarl on my face. We talked a little about our own emotional marterial which we would be working with. And when the camera’s rolled, we committed and went for it.
Another high emotion scenes was at the end of shoot. When the character I was playing realised that he’d crossed a line, and found his spouse looking at him. Her eyes were full of pain disappointment, which was echoed by his remorse.
I know where that emotion is seated within me, and I was able to gently coax it into life, and breathe into it. Basically, on camera we had a wordless conversation.
“This can’t go on …”
“I know .. I’m so sorry..”
It feels so strange looking back. We just held each other gaze for maybe a minute, and breathed into the moment. By the end of the take, we were both nearly in tears.
In describing all this, I am just realising how far I have come on my own personal journey. Connecting with emotions isn’t scary at all. It is actually quite freeing. And to realise that I am better in control of my emotions, and not the other way around is a wonderful feeling.